Updated: Jul 27
As mentioned previously, I suffer from depression. I'm happy to say that "I have it under control", even though I'm not sure that there is such a thing but yeah, I'm doing good. I am living my life to the fullest which is way more than I could say a few months ago, around April/May.
I had started feeling like I had lost control of my own life, my thoughts and my feelings. Like I was on a ride that was my life; only I was the passenger and I didn't feel anything about it, I was just there. Every day just felt so redundant, that's if I was even feeling anything at all because most of the time I was just numb.
There was absolutely zero motivation for me to do anything and I didn't even want to get out of bed. Everything just felt unnecessarily draining and required way too much energy, way more than I could muster anyway. I was always tired because I was barely sleeping, I considered myself lucky if I even managed to get 4 hours of sleep any given night. I was basically a zombie! My emotions were all over the place in the moments when I did feel something but they were always negative. 1 minute I'd feel okay then the next I was balling my eyes out ( it even happened at work).
My doctor had prescribed me with Dyna- Sertraline if I'm remembering the name correctly and boy did those pills take me for a ride! I lost so much weight; my underwear was holding on to my tiny butt for dear life. This was a result of nausea and constant diarrhea, I couldn't keep my food down and I was shitting my brains out! I know that medication has side effects but DAMN! I had headaches EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. (I'm not exaggerating). I remember going back to my doctor and telling him this was no way to live, after all, I was supposed to be preparing for exams and that's a difficult task when you're running to the bathroom all the time or you've got a headache 24/7. I hated my life!
I felt like I was experiencing every damn side-effect listed. I have never taken medication that turned my own body against me like that. Not an experience I would ever like to repeat! Don't worry though, my doctor switched my medication for me and gave me something my body could handle better, so no diarrhea YAY.
The scariest thing for me about the antidepressants is that one of the side-effects was "increased thoughts of suicide" what the fuck?! It was bad enough that I was already bouncing between feeling down and tired and not feeling much at all, now these pills were telling me I'm going to want to kill myself?! I kid you not, that is legit a side-effect listed in that slip of paper that comes with pills (I'm one of those people who wants to know what the drugs I'm taking actually do so I make sure to read the slip inside the box). It was exhausting!
Don't worry guys, I am doing just fine now, in fact, I'm doing better than fine. I am feeling kind of great. I am able to function like a normal person and most importantly I feel like myself again. I know some of you don't think that pills are good for you but clearly I needed them. I wasn't feeling "right" anymore and I'm only saying that for lack of a better word.
It was not easy for me to get up and book myself an appointment with a psychologist and get the help I needed but I am glad I did. I never thought I would suffer from depression, not because I think I'm better than everyone but because I never imagined I would reach a point in my life where I would feel that low and not understand why. I didn't quite understand depression until it was explained to me because I have it. You know, I didn't get the part about the chemicals in my brain until the doctor explained it to me. I didn't understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling because I did not want to feel that way and yet I was. All of my usual activities that brought me joy made me feel absolutely nothing. Guys, please do not tell someone who is depressed to "just go outside"! Depression takes away your energy, you do not want to do ANYTHING (well at least I didn't anyway).
I know that sometimes there's a stigma attached to taking so-called "happy pills" (by the way even that term is grossly misleading, that shit doesn't make you happy at all, the pills kind of just level you out if you get what I mean) but they have helped me immensely. I will admit I was a bit skeptical when I got my prescription but obviously doc knew what he was doing.
I remember though this one time I kinda just passed out at work ( don't worry my boss wasn't there). I went back to my doctor a few days later and told him "I can't live like this, how am I supposed to function?" because I mean, I still had shit to do and responsibilities and he switched my meds. There was even a point where I lost quite a bit of weight and the most noticeable weight-loss effect for me was my saggy breasts. Boy did that stress me out! I mean I was in my twenties, childless with saggy breasts. I know this might sound stupid but I was worried about what the opposite sex my age would think about me. How would I get undressed with saggy breasts? Nevermind the opposite sex, my body didn't look like mine anymore.
If you need to take antidepressants, take them because they will help you. If you find that your body doesn't agree with them then please speak to your doctor so that they can give you medication that's better suited for you.
Prioritize your mental health!
Thank goodness my body got used to the anti-depressants and eventually went back to normal. I was starting to get skinny in a way that I didn't like.
There's this stigma around anti-depressants and to be honest it's not all bad. I remember talking to someone who didn't know I had depression and they were telling me they would never take anti-depressants because they saw how they affected someone else and this is what I said to them, our bodies react differently to medication. Just because someone else had a "bad trip", doesn't mean that you will. I also told them about how I got diarrhea and lost shit tons of weight but then I went back to my psychiatrist and he switched them to something more suitable for me.
You're not "fucked up" if you take anti-depressants, some of us just need a little help that's all. I didn't even stay on mine for the whole 6 to 9 months as my psychiatrist had estimated, I got kicked off medical aid after like 2 months and it freaked me the hell out but I survived, I did just fine without my anti-depressants.
And here we are about a year later and we're doing great!
What was your experience using anti-depressants? Was it similar to or worse than mine? Let me know in the comments.